i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
