I am in a vortex of obligation.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
