just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
