I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
