if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
