I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
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