I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
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