If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
