saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
