I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
