The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
