Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
