think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Randomize
