why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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