I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
