The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
