I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
