Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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