new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize