I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
