I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
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