I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Randomize
