I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
