now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
