After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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