sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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