I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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