how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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