youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
