If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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