He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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