She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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