he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
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