it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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