hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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