if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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