i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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