The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
My ATM looks so different sober.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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