Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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