hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
