These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
