I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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