how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Randomize
