a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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