I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Boobs speak an international language.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
