Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
