fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
