Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
