He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Randomize