im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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