1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
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