You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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