I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
