Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
